I Write Pantun Too

Kalau tak sempat duduk lama

Dibuaian laman saya menanti

Kalau tak dapat hidup bersama

Dipangkuan tuan saya nak mati

I need to write more of 'em.

How Half Of Today Went - Shorts

Wake up
(not thinking about you)
Get ready for work
(not thinking about you)
Traveling on the bus
(not thinking about you)
Get on the train
(not thinking about you)
Have breakfast
(not thinking about you)
Go about my day hustling
(not thinking about you)

Not thinking
Not thinking
Not thinking
Not thinking...

And then the wind blows.

Fazleena Latiff
12 December 2016

Red

I bought a red lipstick

In the shade that you like

The kind worn for seduction

Deep, temptress red

The red I'm not allowed to wear

If you're not around

"For my eyes only," you warned

The red that will look even better

If I get my hair dyed blonde

"Imagine that; blonde hair, red lips," you said, 

"And because you're covered -

No one knows what you look like -

Underneath all that but me..."

I remember

All I can do now is remember

Oh, guess what they've named

This red lipstick that I've bought

In the shade that you like?

'Heartbreaker'

Like you...

=TheUnintended=
29 November 2016

I Miss You The Most When

I see funny but highly inappropriate memes

I hear a dirty joke for the first time

I watch videos of people getting fucked up

I read FB posts and updates by people who can't spell or are grammatically challenged

I say things no one else gets and I get irrationally proud for being weird

I make fun of my mum and her reaction is hilarious

Not having you around to share stupid shit with

That's when I miss you the most...

=TheUnintended=
25 November 2016

Morning Star

Days

Weeks

Months

Sleepless

Restless

Trying to put a finger on

Trying to articulate

Trying to emphasize

Trying to make sense of it all

This is not rejection

This is not abandonment

This is not mere betrayal

This is...

Like the Lightbringer losing

The devil painted black

Humiliation

This is what falling from grace must feel like

And the lone star is in mourning...

=TheUnintended=
23 November 2016

Drama Queen: Hospital Scene - Shorts

I imagine you coming to see me

Under unfortunate circumstances

Maybe I'll fall terribly ill

Not terminal, I don't want to die yet

Just so ill you think I might die

Or I get knocked down by a car

You know, dire but not dead

Not even handicapped

I won't lose a limb, nothing like that

I'm vain, I know

I want you to still find me cute

I picture you approaching...

While I'm in the company of friends

And family, you know who they are

Maybe one of them put you up to it

I'm cheesy that way

Like some rom-com movie

Maybe I'll look away

Still mad at you, still hurt

I'd like to think that I'll give you a hard time

I want you to want to pursue me

Like you did before

Only this time I won't be easily persuaded

I won't be lured by the twinkle in your eyes

Or the silk in your voice

But the truth is...

If this ever played out for real

I have no doubt I'd crumble just by your mere presence

I would want to cup your face in my hands

And ask you, "Hey, how have you been? Are you OK?"

I still want to be that person to you

As long as you're well, I'll be too

-End Scene-

Fazleena Latiff
17 November 2016

Used To

He fusses over you, asking you if you have eaten

Do you want him to pick up anything

Asks you how did your day go

Remembers something you said from the week before

He'll send you silly pictures

Raunchy quotes, stupid videos

And when you chide him, he'll say

"But I made you smile, eh?"

When you make a move on him

He'll go, "fuck, goddamn!"

You'll feel like the most precious thing

When he says, "Babe, you make me forget my name"

If you're wondering how I know-

He used to do those things to me...

=TheUnintended=
17 November 2016

Lonely Is The Devil In Me

An outcast, misunderstood

It doesn't want acceptance

But doesn't want to be rejected

A damaged being not of its own doing

Haunted by a past self

Past actions, past decisions

Past memories...

My devil has its own demon

And neither of them know how to get along

Lonely is the devil in me...

=TheUnintended=
17 November 2016

Two Lay In Silence

Two lay in silence

One from fulfilment

The other from confusion

One found courage to start dreaming

The other found a nightmare beginning

Two lay in silence

One with a heart lit

The other ridden with guilt

One with a renewed craving

The other with regrets slowly creeping

Two lay in silence

One preparing to give it all

The other devising a way out

One tearing down a wall

The other casting shadows of doubt

Two lay in si--, no

One lay in silence

The other left in silence

No words, just silence

=TheUnintended=
17 November 2016

Like The Rest

What do you tell yourself

When guilt creeps in

And you have to justify your actions?

"I'm not the man for her"

"She's too good for me"

"She deserves better"

"I'm doing what's right for her"

Don't you dare

Don't you dare assume you know what I need

Don't you dare tell yourself what you told me about her

About why you stayed away

Like you're making the biggest sacrifice

Like you're doing us a favour

Don't you dare tell yourself you're doing right by me

When you have never tried

Nor ever intended to

To truth is...

You're a coward

Just like the rest of 'em

I hope you can never sleep...

=TheUnintended=
7 November 2016

Solitary Thoughts

You know when things end, 

Abruptly, without you seeing it coming?

You go back to the last place, the last time

And think of all the things you would've done

I would've made our kiss linger

I would've held him tighter

I would've watched his every move, every gesture

I would've made it all last longer

You think of all these things

How you should've done everything in excess

So that maybe it wouldn't hurt as much

You wouldn't be yearning as much

But the truth is, you don't know

And you might never know

Could you have done things differently?

Were there things you should've said but didn't?

And when you realised there's nothing you could've done

Comes the aching to know why

At your most loneliest of times

But you're left with the version of yourself you don't even recognize...

=TheUnintended=
29 October 2016

Apa Itu Penglipur Lara? - Shorts

"Kau nak apa? Cakap je, aku mampulah," dia kata.

Aku ketawa kecil sebelum menjawap, "Apa yang aku nak, money can't buy..."

"What is it?" dia tanya.

"Aku nak jadi penglipur lara hidup kau," jawap aku lagi.

"Penglipur lara tu apa?"

Aku hela nafas panjang kerana apa yang aku nak terangkan tak boleh dibentangkan dengan sepotong dua ayat.

In the most basic sense, penglipur lara tu is a storyteller. Zaman raja-raja dulu, penglipur lara ni had an important role dalam istana. Bila raja tengah murung, tengah bosan, dia panggillah penglipur lara ni to tell him tales. Dulu mana ada TV. That is also how stories of myths and legends came to be.

Peranan penglipur lara ni was especially crucial bila negeri dilanda masalah. Istana nanti upah a few penglipur lara to go from one village to another to tell uplifting stories to the villagers, to keep their spirits high, to make them feel everything's gonna be OK. Penglipur lara ni pon was put in high regards because tak semua orang dapat belajar dan kuasai bahasa, lagi-lagi bahasa yang indah-indah. Even back then, language was a powerful thing. Kau dah boleh karang pantun dua kerat dah kira bagus, ni kan pulak karang cerita.

Of course, over time, dah tak ada penglipur lara in that zaman raja-raja sense, but the term has been romanticized. Penglipur lara now means someone who can put your heart at ease with the things he or she tells you. Who always find the right words. Someone you go to, to tell you everything's gonna be OK.

"Is that what you wanna be?" dia tanya macam dia masih tak pasti.

"Untuk kau? Sampai bila-bila..."

Fazleena Latiff
18 November 2016

Scent

I wore my favourite perfume

That first night when I came to see you

You asked me if it's one of those cheap ones

You've smelt on the girls you were used to

I thought you were just teasing me

Because we were talking about cheap girls 

And their cheap perfume the previous night

But now it seems like a precursor to what was already on your mind;

I am actually nothing but another cheap one you can make fun of

The last time I saw you I wore a perfume I've not used in a long time

I saw the bottle with some drops left at the back of my drawer

Smelt it and it reminded me of a moment I seem to remember

But can't recall...

I went with that because it smells familiar

And you know how I am with familiarity

You gave me a peck on the neck

But then you began to inhale deeply

And as you made yourself comfortable

Leaning back at the head of the bed, you said,

"God, you smell so good today..."

I should've worn that the first time

Maybe then you'd want me around

A bit longer...

=TheUnintended=
  23 October 2016

Intimacy

When you have something to show him on your phone

And he doesn't have his contact lenses on

So he has to lean close, lest he sees nothing

And on your shoulder he rests his chin

So close, you can feel his breath on your neck

So close, your cheeks and his are touching

So close, you can smell the shampoo in his hair

So close, your scent and his become one

So close, you shiver every time his nose grazes your skin

I don't need cuddles and foot rubs

I just need an excuse to get you close to me

Just like that

One more time...

=TheUnintended=
24 September 2016

Aku Nak Tanya Sikit

Yang perit bukan pada ketiadaan

Kau tahu bila cukup masa diberi peluang untuk berlalu

Kau akan jadi terbiasa dengan apa yang tiada

Siang malam tetap berganti

Waktu tak akan berhenti

Ketiadaan tak memutuskan nadi

Jantung tetap berdegup

Jasad terus hidup

Yang perit sebenarnya rindu

Sungguh bernafas kau rasa mati

Di tanah kering kau tenggelam

Duduk di darat pon boleh lemas

Sebab rindu mengingatkan kau pada yang tiada

Rindu yang buat kau rasa kehilangan

Aku nak buat apa nanti bila aku rindu?

=KalamSiLara=
22 September 2016

Could've

There were moments...

When you had your head rested on my lap

Or when you pulled me close 'cos you think I'm too far away

When you teased me about my small nose

Or that face I make that I know you secretly dig

When you told me I'm a genius

Or that I'm magic

When you asked me why I'm so nice

Or when you called me 'babe' a few times

That got me thinking...

We could've become something beautiful

But I'd rather we stayed the same

If I had known you'd leave

Once things have changed...

=TheUnintended=
13 September 2016

Unsent - Shorts

I miss you...
<backspacebackspacebackspace>
Hey...
<backspacebackspace>
I hope you're doing OK...
<backspacebackspacebackspace>
Are we OK?
<backspacebackspacebackspace>
I am missing you terribly...
<backspacebackspaceeeeeeee>

*closes WhatsApp tab*

Fazleena Latiff
30 August 2016

306

Home alone

An angel on ink

A ton of come-hithers

A string of weak refusals

Playfighting

A mock STF

Momentarily absence of breath

Submission...

Short exchanges

A whole lot of 'yes' and profanities

A one liner, 'you can't make me...'

'Is that a challenge?' and eyes locking

Interrupted reading

“Do you like it like this?”

*uh huh*

“Don't make a sound...”

*muffled* 

And not one kiss...

=TheUnintended=
  16 August 2016

The Wor(th)dless Poet - Shorts

"Ooh, I ruined your mascara..."

Actually, it was my eyeliner, because I don't wear mascara. Don't have one, don't think I need it. But I just nodded, I don't want to correct you. I was in awe with the way you tried to sound sorry for ruining my make up. It was almost like you were gloating, did I also detect a tinge of pride in your tone? I wondered if you knew you could've ruined more than just my make up that night, if I had let you. I would have. But I was scared.

Then again, maybe I am imagining all these. Maybe you were sorry. Somehow, that makes it even more endearing. You silly man, I was willing. I had wanted to. The moment you turned to face me and I realised how you towered over me, something just stirred within. I needed you to know what I'm made of. I needed to show you.

But really, this is not about what I let you do. This is about how you made me feel that night. You spoke very little, I've always known you as a man of few words, but when you speak, it was about me. It occured to me, that in your silence, you were observing me. My every move, my every gesture. You made me feel noticed, you made me feel like I'm worth looking at.

And so when you opened your mouth, I listened. I wanted to know what else about me fascinated you. I wanted to know that you fancied me and felt fancied I did. I have tried, ever since that night, to spin and yarn words, to make you feel like I did. I tried to match my words with yours, to tell you I noticed you too and I liked what I saw. I fancied you. But...

How is it that I am easily won with your words, but I, the poet, fail to win you with mine? I guess, that is another story for me to write, another day.

Fazleena Latiff.
11 August 2016

Someday, But Tonight

Someday I'll write about you-

Whether in fondness or bitterness-

Because you have become my history

I'll write about what could've been

And what we used to be

I'll recall the first line you said to me

And how I stumped you with my one liners

I'll be using a lot of 'he was' and 'we were'

And downplay the 'I was'...

Because it'd get too hard for me to put my emotions into words

But tonight...

With tears streaming down my eyes

I am writing about you with all the rawness

I never thought could ever feel so real, so present

I am writing about us that never really are

Because you didn't think I was worthy of a 'goodbye'

I am writing about my heart stabbed with a knife

I didn't know you always have in your hands

I am writing about my faith being stripped and devoured

Because if you could do this to me...

In a world full of wolves, a sheep like me does not stand a chance

=TheUnintended=
   8 August 2016

Touch

I stood in front of my mirror, naked and vulnerable

I traced my fingers on my skin 

And muttered to myself...

'He touched me, here...'.

Here... Here... Here...

'He put his hands, here...'

Here... Here... Here...

'He rested his head, here...'

Here... Here...

Here...

My skin became a map of invisible lines

And yet, the one place he touched me the most

My bare hands couldn't reach

And it's breaking...

=TheUnintended=
   5 August 2016

If There Are Other Words

I'm trying to be poetic with this emotion right now

But try as I might...

I can't find words flowery enough nor rhythmic enough 

To convey how real and pulsating this feeling is

But here goes...

I miss you?

=TheUnintended=
    30 July 2016

Your Way

I like the way you sigh in mock frustration

And the way you inhaled your cigarette smoke deep to drive a point

I like the way you stretched and shook your legs like they bothered you

And the way you looked at me when you thought I was not aware...

=TheUnintended=
    22 July 2016

Last Night

I wish there was a way I could preserve last night

Not just a rerun of flashbacks in my mind

But a way that would allow me to return to those moments

To watch from a distance the times you got my heart racing

Last night was just right

Last night, you were perfect...

=TheUnintended=
    18 July 2016

Her

I saw her through his words last night

I saw her doing the things he misses about her in slow motion

She was smiling in all of them

She was a picture of serenity

She was perfection

It was so beautiful

My heart broke...

=TheUnintended=
    17 July 2016

Pyrophobia

If only I can ignore the fire that is you

Maybe I won't be so afraid to come close

Because my every being is aching

My skin is like a blank canvas ready to be traced

To be painted with the colour of your desire

Your every stroke, a masterpiece

But you're fire...

No work of art could stand a chance

And I am afraid of getting burnt

=TheUnintended=
    14 July 2016

Pungguk, Bulan

Dalam merindu pungguk masih bebas terbang

Di siang hari masih mampu mencipta mimpi sementara menunggu malam

Bila hari mulai gelap, yang dirindu pasti akan ketemu walau jauh

Walau hanya dapat dilihat, tak dapat disentuh

Kalau bulan yang merindu, sudah tentu ia sepi

Tenggelam timbul mengikut putaran bumi

Sinar yang terpancar dipinjam matahari

Terpaku di satu tempat, tak mampu bergerak, tak mampu lari

Untungya pungguk

Malangnya bulan

=KalamSiLara=
   9 July 2016

Ownership

I’ve not penned you in a while

But you’re not forgotten

I couldn’t…

These few days have been confusing

I was presented with a distraction

I was tested

Tempted

Summoned

Allured

But  every word that I read

Every emotion that I felt

Every sense that was invoked...

I hear you

I feel you

I am being consumed by the thoughts of you

I am many things

But that one part of me

That was created to do the things I did for you

Can no longer be done

You have claimed me

You have enslaved a very essential part of me

And I can almost hear your wicked laugh as I write this down

The one you let out every time you knew you’ve got me

Exactly where you wanted me…

Still yours

=TheUnintended=
     4 June 2016

Pincang

Pincang

Langkah bukan kerana cedera

Tapi dari kenangan

Yang adakala mampu melumpuhkan

Semangat 

Yang ikut sama pincang

Kerana semakin hilang yakin

Setelah tersentak kasar dikejutkan

Dari mimpi

Mimpi yang sebenarnya juga pincang

Tapi tidak disedari dek buaian perasaan

Sehingga diri menjadi buta

Pada kenyataan

Bahawa diri ini sebenarnya pincang

Kerana degil tak mahu belajar

Dari masa lalu

Yang pincang...

=KalamSiLara=
  30 April 2016

Golden

Maybe someday we’ll meet again

When we are both getting on with age

Our vision not as clear that we have to come closer to each other

Maybe we need to run our hands

Along the side of the cheeks

Grace our fingers on each other’s lips

To remind us of how greatly acquainted we used to be

I might want to cup my hands at the edge of your chin

To feel what the years have done to you

And maybe you’d want to kiss me

Just above my brow like you used to do

And if you ever tell me, “my dear, how we have changed!”

I’ll reassure you, some things are still the same...

=TheUnintended=
   11 March 2016

Entity

"What is it about him?" I was asked today

Are my peasant words worthy of describing you

How the mere mention of your name tears me asunder

How I can still hear you breathing in my ears

And feel your lips on mine

You haunt me at night in my solitude and taunt my thoughts when morning lights

My phantom, it is in your absence that I feel your presence 

My ghost, in the company of the living, you've rendered me dead

If you can't take me with you, then don't leave my mind

Ever

Please.

=TheUnintended=
 26 February 2016

A 7 Line Reminder

I stumbled upon you today

From your perfume that someone else wore

I expected to feel your fingers running down my back

Or your breath as you gently kiss my neck

Or at least to find you when I turn toward the scent

Then I remembered,  Paco Rabanne's 1 Million

Is *another* thing not exclusively yours...

=TheUnintended=
 13 January 2016

Compose Backspace Delete - Shorts

<Compose New Email>

Hey, remember how you used to whine about me not having a passport because you'd so love to take me around the World with you? Remember the many times you wanted to get me tickets so I can fly to you? Guess what?! I have my passport made! So send me a ticket and I'll be wherever you are!

*backspacebackspacebackspacebackspacebackspaaaaaaaace*

<Delete Contact?>

*delete*

"I don't need this," she said. And as those words leave her lips, she felt another piece of her die, yet again.

Fazleena Latiff
27 November 2015

Bisu

Yang dah lama tak bersuara

Dek kekontangan kata-kata

Kata yang mudah tapi bermakna

Bait sulaman yang bukan biasa-biasa

Pujangga tak menjadi

Luahan yang diulang berkali-kali

Buat perasaan jadi tak ada erti

Bosan dengan ungkapan sendiri

Diam itu indah kata mereka

Diam terkadang perlu nasihat orang-orang tua

Diam sampai bila, tanya aku

Diam kerana hati ini sudah bisu

=KalamSiLara=
3 November 2015

In The Silence

In my moments of solitude

In the dead of the night

On my solo walks on empty streets

On the last bus ride

In the silence

I swear I can hear you sigh...

=TheUnintended=
 16 October 2015